Life can be stressful. To some people, it’s like living in a tornado of problems. Everyday work can be a source of stress. So can email, projects, school assignments; requests from other people, deadlines, bills and often relationships too. All these things can frustrate us, causing us to wrinkle our faces with worry, get fatter from binging, lose hair from over-thinking and thus become unwanted, unattractive human beings. Maybe it’s that we’re not making enough money or underperforming at school; can’t afford the new Mercedes or someone at work is pissing us off. Different things frustrate different people.

So as the situation gets worse and the stress builds inside us, we feel we can’t escape. We tell ourselves, “Yes, I can do it! I need to be strong!” But more work and more pain keeps heading our way. We reach the point of wanting to punch something or rip our hair out.

We can scream and shout and bash the pillows, but after all that, most people just breakdown and cry. After all our tantrum throwing and release of energy, the problem still hasn’t been solved. It’s still there, laughing us in the face saying, “Naa na ni boo boo! You can’t catch me!” So how do we escape from this stress?

Do you know the secret? You can’t handle stress by fighting or resisting it. You have to let go – release your grip and the need to control the situation. This is easy for me to say, difficult for you to do. I know. But if you let me explain a bit more about the nature of stress and how we can deal with it, you’ll realise it’s easy to relax and be worry-free.

The Nature of Stress

Stress comes from within. It is an internal reaction to an external event. We like to think that it’s all these things on the outside which are stressing us, but in reality, it’s the way we perceive and feel about these external events which causes our stress.

Two people can see the same thing and feel differently about it. A woman may think babies are adorable; an old miser may think babies are irritating and expensive. Likewise, what looks like office politics and backstabbing to one person, may just be a misunderstanding to another.

How we see a situation determines how we feel about it. So if you feel strongly about anything, whether anger, jealousy, frustration or more, ask yourself, “Am I perceiving this in the right way? Is there another way I can look at this situation? What if I were in my mother’s shoes or friend’s shoes? What if I were an angel? How would God look at this situation?” Sometimes you’ve got to step outside yourself and pretend you’re someone else. There you’ll find a fresh perspective which can help you see the situation from a more objective state of mind.

Frustration can arise from conditions we set upon ourselves and others. These expectations are marked out by the words have to and must.

If I say to myself, “I must be number one!” Then that ‘must be’ creates a division between where I am and where I want to be. Thus I cannot be happy until I have achieved my goal. The easier way is to release the conditions you have upon yourself. Let go of musts and have tos, and replace them with can and could. Try it and feel the difference.

How does ‘I can be number one’ feel compared to ‘I must be number one’? Doesn’t it feel like a condition has been released? There’s no more pressure from your self. Why give yourself added pressure when the world is already such a stressful place? As long as we don’t have to be something, there is no internal pressure to resist. When there is no resistance, there is no stress.

As an example, imagine you are sitting in an old clunky mini-bus going down a bumpy road in Baghdad. You are sleepy but can’t fall asleep because the bus is constantly bouncing around. The muscles in your body are tense. You are resisting the movement of the bus. But if you relax your body and allow it to go limp and become one with the motion of the bus, you’ll find it really easy to fall asleep because now you are no longer resisting – there is no stress.

Over the course of your whole life, you’ll probably meet many setbacks and challenges. Maybe a person gets divorced; maybe they get fired; maybe both happen to them on the same day.

Boy, if I were in those shoes, I’d want to kill myself too.

But looking at it over the course of a whole life, I realize this is only one moment in time, and it has already passed. There is still much joy and beauty to experience in years ahead. This challenging experience would make a good story to tell the grandchildren and even old friends as we sit around a campfire roasting marshmallows and drinking hot chocolate.

Doing What Makes a Difference

Many people are stressed because they have too many things to do. I’m sure if you take a piece of paper and list down all the things which are demanding your attention, you could easily fill the page.

All these things which you ‘must do’ or ‘have to do’ usually come with deadlines which compel us to run all over the shop to satisfy other people’s demands.

In the end, after doing all the bullshit, we still feel we haven’t accomplished anything significant in our lives. That’s because we’ve spent all our time doing the urgent things for others, and sacrificing what’s important to ourselves.

Am I encouraging you to be selfish? In this sense, yes – I’m asking you to be clear on what you want and what you value in life. What do you find to be important and what makes a difference to you? What is your scorecard for life?

What I mean by scorecard is that traditionally people rate each others success based on how much they earn, how attractive their spouse is, how physically fit they are; how much respect, reputation or fame they have. Is that the way you rate your own life? Are those your measurements of a life well-lived? That’s why I’m asking you to decide what’s important because many people don’t set their own goals, and thus judge themselves by a scorecard which means nothing to them.

Learn to play a game with yourself – the game of life. Write out a few goals that are important to you and stick it to your wall. At the end of the day, before you sleep, count how many things you have done today which have brought you closer to accomplishing your goals. If your count is zero, then realize that you have spent your day doing the urgent things which don’t contribute to your ultimate happiness.

If you have to do the urgent stuff to get by and survive, it’s okay. But at least make time once a day to do what you feel is important. Just this simple act will give you a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Your frustration levels will decrease as you free yourself from the trappings of urgency and move through your life with purpose and peace in your heart.