(53:14)
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Here I have the opportunity to speak to Mr Juraimy Abu Bakar, a passionate educator who gives us the inside scoop on what is happening in the lives of students today. With the world changing faster than adults can handle, how can you help teenagers cope with the problems they hide deep inside? Juraimy sheds light on this issue.
Rapport & Influence (44:51)
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Most people are frustrated not by work, but by their relationships at work. Much of our problems in life come from the failed interactions we have with others. The sad thing is, once we have made an enemy, a vicious cycle begins which grips us in web of deceit, anger, and anguish. James and Lance discuss how rapport and success are intricately linked; delving deeper into the mystery of human emotion to shed the light on this issue.
INTRODUCTION
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) can change your life. We are certain about this because we have seen so many individuals use NLP to turn their dreams into realities as well as make lots of good things happen – entrepreneurs becoming more successful and doubling their profits; teachers finding new ways to motivate and teach their pupils; managers operating at world-class levels and creating environments where employees want to belong; psychologists helping their clients get results in less than six sessions (psychologists normally take thirteen sessions, and they call that ‘Brief Therapy’!)
In short, NLP has allowed many to become more successful In everything they do.
What is Neuro-Linguistic Programming?
NLP is the study of how we think, feel and act, marked by an intense curiosity about how (rather than why) human beings get the results they do – This activity is called Modeling and is a key feature that distinguishes NLP from psychology. NLP is also a set of tools and powerful methodologies designed to help you to build and easily access mental, physical and emotional resources, innate skills and creativity. And you’ll be astounded by the results you’ll get when you carry out the exercises we write about here.
History of NLP
Dr Richard Bandler, a mathematician with a strong background Gestalt Therapy, and Dr John Grinder, an accomplished professor of linguistics, developed NLP in the mid 1970s. They collaborated in a study of three World Class therapists. These four, then among the most innovative and successful practitioners, were:
Before joining the University of California, Santa Cruz as a professor of linguistics, Dr Grinder had worked as a specialist CIA operative in the Middle East where he used his expert knowledge of linguistics to gather sensitive intelligence from Arabic speaking communities.
After co-developing NLP with Dr Grinder, Dr Bandler did some highly sensitive work for the Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.); he trained potential hostages how to withstand torture and interrogation using the power of the subconscious mind. Dr Bandler also did work for the Israeli Commandos, and the US Army weapons training branch.
Modeling Excellence
“The question you must ask yourself is … just how much pleasure and success can you stand?”
Unlike some other schools of psychotherapeutic thought, which concentrate on how problems arise, NLP started from studying people who are exceptionally good at what they do, and finding out how they do it so that anyone can get similar results by doing the same things.
It aims to move beyond remedial change (fixing specific problems) to ‘generative’ change, which allows you to adopt new empowering beliefs and to achieve more in every area of your life.
Often people find that when they learn a new skill, or make a breakthrough in one area of their life, problems in other areas seem to disappear or diminish.
What Does Neuro-Linguistic Programming Mean?
Neuro refers to our neurology (the brain/mind), through which our experience is processed via the five senses:
Linguistic refers to how language and non-verbal communication, such as body language, through which our neural representations are coded, ordered and given meaning. This includes:
Programming comes from the computer metaphor and refers to the ability to discover and utilize the programs that we mentally run to achieve our specific and desired outcomes.
In short, NLP is how to run your brain to consistently achieve the results you desire. NLP is also an ATTITUDE. The NLP attitude is characterized by a sense of CURIOSITY and ADVENTURE, looking at life as a rare and unprecedented opportunity to learn.
This attitude is perfect for self-development and achieving your goals; and which explains why NLP is widely used in professional training programs in all types of businesses, especially in coaching, counseling and hypnotherapy.
Practicing NLP will:
In a nutshell, NLP gives you the “source code” for your own mental programming. It’s like having the source code for your favorite software, you’re now able to upgrade programs that are working for you, rewrite those that are outdated or less useful. Imagine being able to program yourself for excellence when and where you want it. That’s NLP.
A 5 minute talk about the NLP Ecology Frame and how to use it. Enjoy!
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Life can be stressful. To some people, it’s like living in a tornado of problems. Everyday work can be a source of stress. So can email, projects, school assignments; requests from other people, deadlines, bills and often relationships too. All these things can frustrate us, causing us to wrinkle our faces with worry, get fatter from binging, lose hair from over-thinking and thus become unwanted, unattractive human beings. Maybe it’s that we’re not making enough money or underperforming at school; can’t afford the new Mercedes or someone at work is pissing us off. Different things frustrate different people.
So as the situation gets worse and the stress builds inside us, we feel we can’t escape. We tell ourselves, “Yes, I can do it! I need to be strong!” But more work and more pain keeps heading our way. We reach the point of wanting to punch something or rip our hair out.
We can scream and shout and bash the pillows, but after all that, most people just breakdown and cry. After all our tantrum throwing and release of energy, the problem still hasn’t been solved. It’s still there, laughing us in the face saying, “Naa na ni boo boo! You can’t catch me!” So how do we escape from this stress?
Do you know the secret? You can’t handle stress by fighting or resisting it. You have to let go – release your grip and the need to control the situation. This is easy for me to say, difficult for you to do. I know. But if you let me explain a bit more about the nature of stress and how we can deal with it, you’ll realise it’s easy to relax and be worry-free.
Stress comes from within. It is an internal reaction to an external event. We like to think that it’s all these things on the outside which are stressing us, but in reality, it’s the way we perceive and feel about these external events which causes our stress.
Two people can see the same thing and feel differently about it. A woman may think babies are adorable; an old miser may think babies are irritating and expensive. Likewise, what looks like office politics and backstabbing to one person, may just be a misunderstanding to another.
How we see a situation determines how we feel about it. So if you feel strongly about anything, whether anger, jealousy, frustration or more, ask yourself, “Am I perceiving this in the right way? Is there another way I can look at this situation? What if I were in my mother’s shoes or friend’s shoes? What if I were an angel? How would God look at this situation?” Sometimes you’ve got to step outside yourself and pretend you’re someone else. There you’ll find a fresh perspective which can help you see the situation from a more objective state of mind.
Frustration can arise from conditions we set upon ourselves and others. These expectations are marked out by the words have to and must.
If I say to myself, “I must be number one!” Then that ‘must be’ creates a division between where I am and where I want to be. Thus I cannot be happy until I have achieved my goal. The easier way is to release the conditions you have upon yourself. Let go of musts and have tos, and replace them with can and could. Try it and feel the difference.
How does ‘I can be number one’ feel compared to ‘I must be number one’? Doesn’t it feel like a condition has been released? There’s no more pressure from your self. Why give yourself added pressure when the world is already such a stressful place? As long as we don’t have to be something, there is no internal pressure to resist. When there is no resistance, there is no stress.
As an example, imagine you are sitting in an old clunky mini-bus going down a bumpy road in Baghdad. You are sleepy but can’t fall asleep because the bus is constantly bouncing around. The muscles in your body are tense. You are resisting the movement of the bus. But if you relax your body and allow it to go limp and become one with the motion of the bus, you’ll find it really easy to fall asleep because now you are no longer resisting – there is no stress.
Over the course of your whole life, you’ll probably meet many setbacks and challenges. Maybe a person gets divorced; maybe they get fired; maybe both happen to them on the same day.
Boy, if I were in those shoes, I’d want to kill myself too.
But looking at it over the course of a whole life, I realize this is only one moment in time, and it has already passed. There is still much joy and beauty to experience in years ahead. This challenging experience would make a good story to tell the grandchildren and even old friends as we sit around a campfire roasting marshmallows and drinking hot chocolate.
Many people are stressed because they have too many things to do. I’m sure if you take a piece of paper and list down all the things which are demanding your attention, you could easily fill the page.
All these things which you ‘must do’ or ‘have to do’ usually come with deadlines which compel us to run all over the shop to satisfy other people’s demands.
In the end, after doing all the bullshit, we still feel we haven’t accomplished anything significant in our lives. That’s because we’ve spent all our time doing the urgent things for others, and sacrificing what’s important to ourselves.
Am I encouraging you to be selfish? In this sense, yes – I’m asking you to be clear on what you want and what you value in life. What do you find to be important and what makes a difference to you? What is your scorecard for life?
What I mean by scorecard is that traditionally people rate each others success based on how much they earn, how attractive their spouse is, how physically fit they are; how much respect, reputation or fame they have. Is that the way you rate your own life? Are those your measurements of a life well-lived? That’s why I’m asking you to decide what’s important because many people don’t set their own goals, and thus judge themselves by a scorecard which means nothing to them.
Learn to play a game with yourself – the game of life. Write out a few goals that are important to you and stick it to your wall. At the end of the day, before you sleep, count how many things you have done today which have brought you closer to accomplishing your goals. If your count is zero, then realize that you have spent your day doing the urgent things which don’t contribute to your ultimate happiness.
If you have to do the urgent stuff to get by and survive, it’s okay. But at least make time once a day to do what you feel is important. Just this simple act will give you a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Your frustration levels will decrease as you free yourself from the trappings of urgency and move through your life with purpose and peace in your heart.
Sometimes life is a struggle not because of a lack of money, education, or opportunity, but simply because our human relationships are in a mess.
The strange issue is that in a society where we can become highly educated with numerous letters to our name, we still lack the fundamental education of the heart. Take for example a work-frustrated MBA holder who is doing her ‘power walk’ down the street with her suitcase and office attire. She focuses on a single point ahead and her brow is tightly furrowed. An old woman stops her and asks if she would like to buy some tissue. The executive wrinkles her nose and says, “I don’t want your dirty tissue,” then walks on with a huff.
A core reason human relationships suffer is because many people have not evolved to the point where they can appreciate other people’s lives rather than just their own. This self-centeredness makes it difficult to genuinely connect with another person.
Today I’d like to share an important NLP belief and perceptual filter a person should develop in order to maintain better human relationships and reduce the anger or anguish in their life.
The first rule to live by is a simple one: Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet because everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.
Aren’t we all warriors in our own lives? There are always battles to be fought, fires to be put out, demons to vanquish, and obstacles to overcome. With all this fighting and struggling going on, we can’t expect everyone to be nice all the time. People get tired and frustrated. Thus it is important that you take this into consideration when you interact with others. Know that everyone struggles, everyone has their private pain; every person is simply striving to achieve their dream.
This brings us to a second understanding about human nature: All sentient beings seek to avoid pain and gain pleasure. There is a positive intention behind every behaviour.
Take for example the Sandman in the Spiderman movie. He robbed banks and hurt many people. But his intention was to get enough money to make his critically ill daughter well again. So behind the mask of a criminal… lays the heart of a good father.
Do you know anyone like that? Somebody who’s behaviour you found obnoxious, but their underlying motivation turned out to be noble?
At first glance, we can’t see the deeper reasons behind a person’s surface behaviour. Therefore it’s important to withhold our flash judgement of a person’s character based on one wrongdoing. The person simply might not know a better way to express or achieve their desire.
Jesus said, “Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.”
Normally we feel angry or hurt when we believe people are deliberately out to hurt us. But more often, they are doing something to help themselves, their cause, or those they care for.
There is an old Buddhist story about falling asleep on a wooden fishing boat. There you are, asleep in your boat, floating in the middle of a lake… when suddenly, a violent jolt shocks you from your sleep. You leap up in fury thinking, “Who’s this idiot who can’t pilot his boat properly? I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!”
Then you realize it’s just an empty boat. And suddenly you don’t feel angry anymore because nobody was deliberately out to hurt you.
Do you see the root cause here? The source of our anger comes from being self-centered. When we believe that someone wants to manipulate us or take from us, then anger is our way to protect the ego. The people with the biggest egos are the ones who are most easily angered because they believe everyone is out to cheat them or steal their idea. Even if someone takes from you, it is wise to realize that they do it not directly to hurt you… but because they are trying to care for their grandmother, provide for their children; or maybe they suffer from an insatiable desire for luxuries.
When we only know our existence as our physical self (mind and body without spirit), it becomes hard to quantify our success in life. Thus, we adopt a materially focused point of view. We start affixing the ‘my’ label to everything in this world. This is my bed, these are my clothes, my friends, my ideas, my world. This compulsion develops into a desire to possess more than others.
To be happy and carefree, you might let go of the need to have more than necessary, you could let go of the need to be better, you should let go of the ego. Everything you have in this life is on loan… you return it when you die.
The funny thing is some people take this approach: where if someone has more than I – a better looking spouse or a sleeker car – then I swear to take them down someday. I make it my personal mission to be better than them. “I’m going to show them what a piece of shit they are!”
When in reality, it’s because I feel like a piece of shit myself, thus I have to take a dump on other people’s success in order to feel better about where I am now.
So remember this vital lesson of looking beyond surface behaviour to sense the positive intention behind what people do. It will help you shift your perspective to a more objective; egoless point of view. Then you’ll find it easier not to blow your top unnecessarily. This will allow you to maintain more harmonious relationships with others, which will aid you in achieving the success you deserve.
Here is your special assignment: Now that you know everyone is on a journey, fighting a battle of some kind, be their guardian and look for ways to help your friends and family succeed. It’s a simple matter of noticing what path they are on and seeing if you can give them a lift.
Do this once a day and I guarantee you’ll wake up in the morning feeling like there is great meaning and purpose to your life…. When you can look beyond yourself and consider the dreams of others.
This is just one of the many liberating NLP mindsets taught in our NLP Practitioner and Life Coaching Program.
