Raj Revindran and Lance Ong have been invited to speak at the Singapore Institute of Management about the Enneagram and its applications in Leadership, on 5th June 2010. Tickets are $60 for Non-Members (includes tea break and refreshments).
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Here I have the opportunity to speak to Mr Juraimy Abu Bakar, a passionate educator who gives us the inside scoop on what is happening in the lives of students today. With the world changing faster than adults can handle, how can you help teenagers cope with the problems they hide deep inside? Juraimy sheds light on this issue.
Freedom Map #1: The Secret of Being
Define: Freedom Map
Freedom Maps are an article series authored by Lance Ong. Freedom Maps are designed to help a person break free of the limiting mindset which binds them to the Mouse Wheel.
Define: Mouse Wheel
The mouse wheel is what traps most people in the nine-to-five grind. In recent years, this has become more of an issue when people feel the drain of running in circles; pushing hard but not making progress. Freedom Maps are aimed at breaking the Mouse Wheel experience and creating a more liberating life.
“A Boat Without a Rudder”
This is your first Map to Freedom. Using it, you will be able to touch upon a deep-rooted issue that bothers many people.
If you have been stuck on the mouse wheel for a while, you know two things for sure: 1) you repeat the cycle day after day, and 2) no matter how much you do, there is always more to come.
Would you not say that these are perfect conditions to develop the belief that life is meaningless?
You are not alone. Millions of people are lost in a flurry of activity where they just work continuously without considering where their actions are taking them.
A popular saying nowadays is: Take Action! Take Action!
But without clear deliberation, people often end up running in the wrong directions… wasting time, energy, and effort. This reveals two causes for failing: either you do not know where you are going, or you are not doing the right things to get there.
An ounce of clarity is worth a ton of effort.
“Time and Tide Waits for No Man”
Life is short. The average lifespan is about 80 years in a hygienic country. It seems long when you are young, but count your days and it becomes obvious how much time you have.
One year = 365 days. If your days passed like the seconds on a clock, it would take just six minutes for you to age one year.
What can you do in six minutes? Maybe watch a Youtube clip.
If you were to live till 80 (6 mins x 80), that would translate into 480 minutes on our clock, which is 8 hours.
From birth till death in one working day, simply by reducing the days into seconds.
So… how many of your hours have you used up? Take [your current age in years x 6 minutes] and divide by 60. You will get your answer.
My hope is not to sadden you, but to make you aware of the time limit we are dealing with.
You need to make steady progress towards your dreams if you want to achieve them while you still have vigor in your body.
One of the dangers to your progress would be if you got stuck doing something you dislike.
Too many late nights and dashing in circles doing pointless tasks, would drain your vitality and leave you stranded without reaching your paradise.
Thus the old adage: Do What You Love, Love What You Do.
Accept nothing less.
Questions and Issues with this Adage
“What if what I love, does not make money? For example, I love playing video games and chatting with friends.”
Yes, this is a question of tying what you enjoy doing to what the market wants. You cannot sell if the market does not want to buy, so succeeding at this is about developing your product or service for the customer.
You need to think in terms of contributing and making life better for others. Only then will others pay you for the value you provide. It might take time and thought to translate what you enjoy into what others will pay you for.
“What if I do not know what I love?”
This would be a serious problem. It could also mean that you might be unsure of where to find the joy in your life. I have a magic question which might be able to help you.
In times where life feels bland or meaningless, I ask myself the magic question:
“What would I rather be doing instead?”
Allowing your mind to flow freely around this question, you engage a magical faculty of your mind which begins with the amazing ‘F’ word.
Fantasy.
Yup, all you need to do is engage in a little fantasy. The purpose of which is to identify what feelings you sense inside you, when you are doing what you enjoy.
Areas to pay attention to are your head, your heart, and your tummy area. Most people report sensations in one or more of these zones when they are fully fantasizing.
I just want you to notice… what does it feel like when you are doing something you love?
If you have trouble fantasizing, then close your eyes and recreate the fantasy experience in your mind’s eye. Visualize with your five senses — see, hear, smell, taste, and touch everything as if you are really there now. Then notice what you feel.
When you have identified that sensation of joy within you, you now have a reference point for any activity you choose to undertake in your life.
Here is the secret: What you choose to do, should spark off that sense of joy within you.
If it does not, then you should re-evaluate the project you are considering for its value and significance to you.
If the work does not inspire you, please junk it. Select goals you find meaningful and worthwhile. That is the way to long-term happiness.
“What if I am tied down by responsibilities which prevent me from doing what I like?”
Handling your responsibilities well makes you a responsible person. I salute you for that.
At the same time, it is a question of what responsibilities are you choosing to take on, and are they in alignment with your long term goals?
Certain responsibilities like taking care of your parents and children are lifelong and should never be considered a burden. Supporting family is an honor and should be a driving force which gives you the strength to go further.
Thus, make the distinction between meaningful and meaningless responsibilities.
Meaningful responsibilities inject joy into your life; meaningless responsibilities drain life out. Both require sacrifice and will cause you to bear pain.
What pain are you happily willing to sacrifice for because the meaning it brings into your life is worth so much more?
On the flip side, if the pain you bear only brings you greater sadness, then please junk it. Life was never meant to be a meaningless torture.
If you are in such a situation, perhaps the goal is to see if you can muster the courage to get yourself out of it.
In difficult decisions, I often ask myself three questions:
“Who am I choosing to be?”
“By making this decision, am I living up to who I am?”
“Can I die with no regrets?”
At the end of life, seldom do people count their money, cars, or assets. On the deathbed, a person thinks about what they have been through in life, they count their memories of happy and sad times; they think of the people they love, they regret their wrongdoings and pray for forgiveness.
What you have achieved becomes less important than how you have lived.
Your responsibilities might not be great achievements to the eyes of others… but in your heart, you know they are most important to you because they define how you have lived your life through every decision you have made.
We are the accumulation of our actions… thus you realize that you are constantly creating yourself until the very end.
Are you happy with who you have become?
The only person you need to come to terms with is yourself. Everyone else in life was here to facilitate your growth.
You thought it was about proving yourself; it was about being humble.
You thought it was about getting what you want; it was about learning to give.
You thought it was about seeking maximum pleasure; it was about sacrificing for what you love.
A Definite Purpose in Life
If there is one direction you can be sure of in life, it is that of growing yourself to be better than you are. The development of your character equals the growth of your soul.
Fortune and achievement aside, it is who you have become which ultimately decides your success or failure in life.
I want you to succeed, so I am here to tell you the secret of Being:
Take every decision personally. It reflects who you are. Live by your principles with your long term goal in mind, and you will always do the right thing.
To gain deep insight that applies to you personally, explore the Mirror of Character, which points out the root issues you face on your journey through life. Discovering this has helped me break through my barriers, as I am sure it will help you overcome yours.
Rapport & Influence (44:51)
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Most people are frustrated not by work, but by their relationships at work. Much of our problems in life come from the failed interactions we have with others. The sad thing is, once we have made an enemy, a vicious cycle begins which grips us in web of deceit, anger, and anguish. James and Lance discuss how rapport and success are intricately linked; delving deeper into the mystery of human emotion to shed the light on this issue.
The Enneagram
Knowing People Part One (47:20)
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Enneagram Teacher, Raj Revindran, tells us how to know the unconscious patterns ingrained into us, which affect how we relate to self and others. He holds a psychological mirror, reflecting insight into who you are, subtly preaching the message of connection.
Knowing People Part Two (47:26)
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In this second segment, we are joined by NLP|Hypnosis Trainer, James Leong, to explore how the Enneagram works to give insight and produce change in relationships. Real-life portraits of great people like Mother Theresa and Michael Jackson are discussed to illustrate the depth to which unconscious patterns affect all of us.
INTRODUCTION
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) can change your life. We are certain about this because we have seen so many individuals use NLP to turn their dreams into realities as well as make lots of good things happen – entrepreneurs becoming more successful and doubling their profits; teachers finding new ways to motivate and teach their pupils; managers operating at world-class levels and creating environments where employees want to belong; psychologists helping their clients get results in less than six sessions (psychologists normally take thirteen sessions, and they call that ‘Brief Therapy’!)
In short, NLP has allowed many to become more successful In everything they do.
What is Neuro-Linguistic Programming?
NLP is the study of how we think, feel and act, marked by an intense curiosity about how (rather than why) human beings get the results they do – This activity is called Modeling and is a key feature that distinguishes NLP from psychology. NLP is also a set of tools and powerful methodologies designed to help you to build and easily access mental, physical and emotional resources, innate skills and creativity. And you’ll be astounded by the results you’ll get when you carry out the exercises we write about here.
History of NLP
Dr Richard Bandler, a mathematician with a strong background Gestalt Therapy, and Dr John Grinder, an accomplished professor of linguistics, developed NLP in the mid 1970s. They collaborated in a study of three World Class therapists. These four, then among the most innovative and successful practitioners, were:
- Dr Fritz Perls, Psychotherapist and Developer of “Gestalt Therapy”;
- Dr Virginia Satir, Founder of the” Conjoint Family Therapy” is an expert at resolving the most difficult of family situations;
- Dr Milton Erickson, Medical Doctor, Psychiatrist & World Renowned Clinical Hypnotherapist; and
- Frank Farrelly, Professor at the University of Wisconsin School of Social Work, Developer of “Provocative Therapy” (A form of confrontational therapy characterized by the use of strong language and outrageous humor). Interestingly, Frank is a devout Catholic and is a graduate of Catholic University.
Before joining the University of California, Santa Cruz as a professor of linguistics, Dr Grinder had worked as a specialist CIA operative in the Middle East where he used his expert knowledge of linguistics to gather sensitive intelligence from Arabic speaking communities.
After co-developing NLP with Dr Grinder, Dr Bandler did some highly sensitive work for the Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.); he trained potential hostages how to withstand torture and interrogation using the power of the subconscious mind. Dr Bandler also did work for the Israeli Commandos, and the US Army weapons training branch.
Modeling Excellence
“The question you must ask yourself is … just how much pleasure and success can you stand?”
Unlike some other schools of psychotherapeutic thought, which concentrate on how problems arise, NLP started from studying people who are exceptionally good at what they do, and finding out how they do it so that anyone can get similar results by doing the same things.
It aims to move beyond remedial change (fixing specific problems) to ‘generative’ change, which allows you to adopt new empowering beliefs and to achieve more in every area of your life.
Often people find that when they learn a new skill, or make a breakthrough in one area of their life, problems in other areas seem to disappear or diminish.
What Does Neuro-Linguistic Programming Mean?
Neuro refers to our neurology (the brain/mind), through which our experience is processed via the five senses:
- Visual
- Auditory
- Kinesthetic
- Olfactory (Smell)
- Gustatory (Taste)
Linguistic refers to how language and non-verbal communication, such as body language, through which our neural representations are coded, ordered and given meaning. This includes:
- Pictures
- Sounds
- Feelings
- Tastes
- Smells
- Words (Self -Talk)
Programming comes from the computer metaphor and refers to the ability to discover and utilize the programs that we mentally run to achieve our specific and desired outcomes.
In short, NLP is how to run your brain to consistently achieve the results you desire. NLP is also an ATTITUDE. The NLP attitude is characterized by a sense of CURIOSITY and ADVENTURE, looking at life as a rare and unprecedented opportunity to learn.
This attitude is perfect for self-development and achieving your goals; and which explains why NLP is widely used in professional training programs in all types of businesses, especially in coaching, counseling and hypnotherapy.
Practicing NLP will:
- Leads to greater self-confidence and self-esteem
- Helps you clarify your direction in life and gives you the skills to achieve more of your potential
- Allow you to become more aware of the importance of knowing yourself, and enables you to become more congruent – and more fully you
- Greatly enhance your ability to listen to others and utilize questioning skills to find out what is really meant – leading to greater clarity and far fewer misunderstandings
- Get on with and understand even more people
- Give you the tools to clear up the past and creating your own compelling future
- Give you the know-how to help your clients achieve all the benefits listed here
In a nutshell, NLP gives you the “source code” for your own mental programming. It’s like having the source code for your favorite software, you’re now able to upgrade programs that are working for you, rewrite those that are outdated or less useful. Imagine being able to program yourself for excellence when and where you want it. That’s NLP.
A 5 minute talk about the NLP Ecology Frame and how to use it. Enjoy!
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Life can be stressful. To some people, it’s like living in a tornado of problems. Everyday work can be a source of stress. So can email, projects, school assignments; requests from other people, deadlines, bills and often relationships too. All these things can frustrate us, causing us to wrinkle our faces with worry, get fatter from binging, lose hair from over-thinking and thus become unwanted, unattractive human beings. Maybe it’s that we’re not making enough money or underperforming at school; can’t afford the new Mercedes or someone at work is pissing us off. Different things frustrate different people.
So as the situation gets worse and the stress builds inside us, we feel we can’t escape. We tell ourselves, “Yes, I can do it! I need to be strong!” But more work and more pain keeps heading our way. We reach the point of wanting to punch something or rip our hair out.
We can scream and shout and bash the pillows, but after all that, most people just breakdown and cry. After all our tantrum throwing and release of energy, the problem still hasn’t been solved. It’s still there, laughing us in the face saying, “Naa na ni boo boo! You can’t catch me!” So how do we escape from this stress?
Do you know the secret? You can’t handle stress by fighting or resisting it. You have to let go – release your grip and the need to control the situation. This is easy for me to say, difficult for you to do. I know. But if you let me explain a bit more about the nature of stress and how we can deal with it, you’ll realise it’s easy to relax and be worry-free.
The Nature of Stress
Stress comes from within. It is an internal reaction to an external event. We like to think that it’s all these things on the outside which are stressing us, but in reality, it’s the way we perceive and feel about these external events which causes our stress.
Two people can see the same thing and feel differently about it. A woman may think babies are adorable; an old miser may think babies are irritating and expensive. Likewise, what looks like office politics and backstabbing to one person, may just be a misunderstanding to another.
How we see a situation determines how we feel about it. So if you feel strongly about anything, whether anger, jealousy, frustration or more, ask yourself, “Am I perceiving this in the right way? Is there another way I can look at this situation? What if I were in my mother’s shoes or friend’s shoes? What if I were an angel? How would God look at this situation?” Sometimes you’ve got to step outside yourself and pretend you’re someone else. There you’ll find a fresh perspective which can help you see the situation from a more objective state of mind.
Frustration can arise from conditions we set upon ourselves and others. These expectations are marked out by the words have to and must.
If I say to myself, “I must be number one!” Then that ‘must be’ creates a division between where I am and where I want to be. Thus I cannot be happy until I have achieved my goal. The easier way is to release the conditions you have upon yourself. Let go of musts and have tos, and replace them with can and could. Try it and feel the difference.
How does ‘I can be number one’ feel compared to ‘I must be number one’? Doesn’t it feel like a condition has been released? There’s no more pressure from your self. Why give yourself added pressure when the world is already such a stressful place? As long as we don’t have to be something, there is no internal pressure to resist. When there is no resistance, there is no stress.
As an example, imagine you are sitting in an old clunky mini-bus going down a bumpy road in Baghdad. You are sleepy but can’t fall asleep because the bus is constantly bouncing around. The muscles in your body are tense. You are resisting the movement of the bus. But if you relax your body and allow it to go limp and become one with the motion of the bus, you’ll find it really easy to fall asleep because now you are no longer resisting – there is no stress.
Over the course of your whole life, you’ll probably meet many setbacks and challenges. Maybe a person gets divorced; maybe they get fired; maybe both happen to them on the same day.
Boy, if I were in those shoes, I’d want to kill myself too.
But looking at it over the course of a whole life, I realize this is only one moment in time, and it has already passed. There is still much joy and beauty to experience in years ahead. This challenging experience would make a good story to tell the grandchildren and even old friends as we sit around a campfire roasting marshmallows and drinking hot chocolate.
Doing What Makes a Difference
Many people are stressed because they have too many things to do. I’m sure if you take a piece of paper and list down all the things which are demanding your attention, you could easily fill the page.
All these things which you ‘must do’ or ‘have to do’ usually come with deadlines which compel us to run all over the shop to satisfy other people’s demands.
In the end, after doing all the bullshit, we still feel we haven’t accomplished anything significant in our lives. That’s because we’ve spent all our time doing the urgent things for others, and sacrificing what’s important to ourselves.
Am I encouraging you to be selfish? In this sense, yes – I’m asking you to be clear on what you want and what you value in life. What do you find to be important and what makes a difference to you? What is your scorecard for life?
What I mean by scorecard is that traditionally people rate each others success based on how much they earn, how attractive their spouse is, how physically fit they are; how much respect, reputation or fame they have. Is that the way you rate your own life? Are those your measurements of a life well-lived? That’s why I’m asking you to decide what’s important because many people don’t set their own goals, and thus judge themselves by a scorecard which means nothing to them.
Learn to play a game with yourself – the game of life. Write out a few goals that are important to you and stick it to your wall. At the end of the day, before you sleep, count how many things you have done today which have brought you closer to accomplishing your goals. If your count is zero, then realize that you have spent your day doing the urgent things which don’t contribute to your ultimate happiness.
If you have to do the urgent stuff to get by and survive, it’s okay. But at least make time once a day to do what you feel is important. Just this simple act will give you a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. Your frustration levels will decrease as you free yourself from the trappings of urgency and move through your life with purpose and peace in your heart.
